To anyone who doesn’t know me intimately, this may be interpreted as wariness of strangers. To an extent this is true, but what’s more true is that I have this self-deprecating preoccupation that I am somehow getting in the way. That when someone sits next to me, something about my presence may irritate xir: xie’d prefer I not cross my leg so that the edge of my foot is grazing slightly along the leg of xir jeans, xie’d prefer I pull back my hair so it doesn’t brush against xir shoulder, xie’d wish I’d open the window and is too polite to ask or reach across me, xie’d mistaken my moving away for hostility, etc. Essentially, I feel that I don’t deserve to take up room, and I’m paranoid about miscommunication and the feelings of others–others who are strangers, not friends, whose preferences are unfamiliar to me, whom I may accidentally offend.
Offend with what? My existence?
I’m happy to say that I’ve gotten over this since a couple of years, partly thanks to my own impatience and intolerance of bullshit, and partly thanks to feminism in recognizing both my entitlement to space and the importance of respecting the boundaries of those around me. Men, I’ve noticed, don’t at all hesitate to take up space, to extend their legs and arms to the position best suited for their comfort, to jam their elbow into your neck when they’re on their phones, to not realize they are sitting on something of yours and consequently tugging at you with their weight. Women profusely apologize for taking up space and sit still if not attempting to shrink away entirely into nothingness. *Phloof!* It is possible to assert your right to your space, the space you would take up naturally, without being inconsiderate of others to the point of encroaching on theirs.
Outside of devaluing myself, my own spacial preferences when it comes to strangers heighten my sensitivity to the preferences of others. When there are seats available next to a few people in a moderately crowded space, I don’t sit down unless I am invited, though I know the seat is there for a reason and I have the right to use it no matter how the person next to it feels. (If I’m not carrying anything, I prefer to stand anyway.) What I don’t have the right to do is take up luxury room and make others uncomfortable.
This order of priority–entitlement to your own space but not to luxury and the space of others–is something that is reversed in our society to infringe on the rights of those who are not privileged. A couple of years ago there was a debate around charging fat people extra for taking up space on an airplane, a proposal I found so horrendous and distasteful I was embarrassed for the person who thought of it. You know what they should get rid of? Those stupid reclining seats. You do not get to have your head two inches above my lap. Instead they were seriously considering charging people for portions of their bodies. Charging people. For portions of their bodies.
I’m a very privileged 93 pounds. Fat people don’t bother me–your head in my stomach does.
Do I need to explain what’s wrong with this? People are whole. Their bodies are whole. You do not get to dismember them and charge them for parts. This is further evidence, still, of the overt ways in which underprivileged members of society are dehumanized. Fat people should be cut up in pieces, and women should just disappear.
The mentality that women do not deserve space is a global, cross-cultural one. Women are actively giving up space for men. There are cultures in which it is an unwritten rule, subtle; a man puts up his feet and a woman is expected to scoot over and just not say anything. There are others in which it is obvious–no room in a religious institution? Push the women out. But it exists everywhere, and it always has. It is engraved into society, and has been for centuries.
Of course, to get you to give up the rightful freedoms you have secured as women, patriarchy will attempt to convince you that there was once a golden age full of rainbows and puppies when men gave up seats for women and such. Don’t tell them it only existed in literature and applied to only white wealthy young attractive unmarried women even in fabrication and was in fact patronizing as hell and used to prove that women were incapable taking responsibility over themselves and shouldn’t be trusted. It’s a secret. Don’t tell them either that women actually open doors for other women and men, and people open doors for people–not just men for women–because that’s what decent people do. Shhh.
You are entitled to the room you need. Take it up, don’t apologize for existing, hold onto your space. And be respectful and considerate of the boundaries of others.
9 thoughts on “Space.”
Wonderful, inspiring article. Thanks so much for that one :)
You are absolutely right :) Thanks for the reminder!
My husband used to do something like this to me. I would be sitting on the couch (a large couch that fits 4 people comfortably), taking up 1/4 of the couch with plenty of room for others – and he would come up next to me and ask me to move over so he could sit. It used to piss me off so much, just this simple thing. Yet it is so inconsiderate and dripping in privilege to think you can make me move over instead of simply walking to the other side of the couch. He just assumed the right to take my space. That ended quickly, it only happened twice. By the second attempt he was well educated on what his actions were implying.. How fucked up is that, though? Something so simple means so many things. I can tell how he was raised to think about women just by that simple assumption he had about his right to take my space, even when there was plenty for him that was not mine.
How aggravating! I'm glad he's stopped!
i hate the way men usually sit, with their legs open taking up all the space. So immodest to be flashing their bits around and also very annoying on the crowded train!http://kittyonadumpster.blogspot.com/
Ahahaha yeah that's the very definition of mansitting, the whole open legs thing to take up all the room on either side. I seriously think it must be some sort of show of power or something ridiculous. Someone was saying that on one occasion there were plenty of seats available and this guy came right next to the one she was sitting in and just pushed his leg against her to force her to move and take over her seat! She stayed and did the same consequently pushing his leg away with hers. He was shocked and left her alone.
Good for her. Men always like to think they are in charge and they have to show they are superior. They know nothing of being subtle or being modest, such inflated egos, really :P
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