Re: The Ideal Muslimah

Look what I found! Written by a man, of course. One who calls himself the KING-slave of ALLAH. Interesting. (BE SURE to read Number 6 on that link.)

So! In the good nature of sharing, I will write an equally self-occupied brilliant article for The Ideal Muslim!

10 beautiful aspects of an Ideal Muslim

1. His Obedience to the Creator

Because Muslim women love men who obey the Creator, a Muslim man must please his wife and obey her, thereby restraining himself from his inner desires that go against the will of his Creator, like demanding a harem of captive sex-slaves or installing barriers in places of worship because he cannot control his penis–for truly, Allah (SWT) wishes for a harmonious marriage!

2. His Modesty/Shyness

A Muslim man should never raise his voice against his wife with a dangerous opinion of his own. This is the mark of arrogance. Astagfirullah, one of the signs of the Day of Judgment is that men will rebel.

3. His Beauty

A Muslim man should especially refrain from speaking because he has a very attractive, deep voice. Allah (SWT) has made him this way, and created woman to be attracted to him. In the interest of gravity maintaining its hold on the universe, a Muslim man should never be heard in public. In a symbolic gesture of this silence, he should not vote or otherwise have a voice in matters of government. He’d vote with his penis anyway. And Allah (SWT) knows best.

4. His Intellect/Playfulness (wtf?)

A Muslim woman loves a smart Muslim man, as long as he is not smarter than her. To check his intelligence, he should be playful so that no one takes him seriously. He must never challenge the intelligence of a Muslim woman, and should always be supportive of her.

5. His Truthfulness

A Muslim man should never lie in a marriage. This is important, as men are deceitful creatures and have the tendency to lie. The Muslim man who never lies has the highest status in the heart of his wife. (What, you thought an article titled “The Ideal Muslim” would be about the highest status in the eyes of God? LOLOL)

6. His Obedience

As Allah (SWT) apparently did not grant man the power to override his sexual desires, he must always obey his wife as she is the wisest in all matters. Additionally, he must look tewtally hawt for her, obey her every command, and honor her property–because even her property must be honored over him. He must protect her property, but only in her absence, as he should never assert himself over her or challenge her authority.

7. His Patience

A Muslim man should never complain that his wife nags. He should be patient and endure this verbal abuse. Even when the verbal abuse turns physical he should be silent and patient, as Allah (SWT) knows best. A good Muslim man knows that this “abuse” is only discipline, for his own good.

8. His Cooking

Delicious food is the weakness of Muslim women. It’s an old saying that “The Way to God’s Heart is through the Stomach of a Woman.” Remember, Muslim men, there was once a man who cooked better than the husband of a Muslim woman and the husband became very jealous. Muslim women, use this story as a threat against bad cooks. The Prophet himself did housework.

9. His Contentment with Rizq

Because men are whiney bitches who CANNOT HAVE ENOUGH SEX, no Muslim woman likes a man who goes around complaining about how he doesn’t get laid enough and then greedily attempts to pass laws that get him some. Sometimes a Muslim man has the audacity to say that the wife of so-and-so lets so-and-so sleep with whomever he wants. A good Muslim man is content with what his wife provides for him, and is thankful to Allah (SWT).

10. Good Manners

A man of good manners is a blessing from Allah (SWT). A blessing… to women, of course–he is not his own person. When he speaks (which should be very little) he speaks honorably and hymns the praises of his wife. He has lots of children, whom he treats with kindness, even on the days when his wife is at work for 6 hours and he just wants to get some rest because he’s been with the kids for 24 hours. As a good Muslim man, he should remember that his wife worked harder sitting around in an airconditioned office all day. He should avoid writing stupid articles that reinstate patriarchal oppression, for it is the poor manners of men that make them inclined to equate themselves with God.

Women! CONTROL your men!

20 thoughts on “Re: The Ideal Muslimah

  1. oh oh! One other thing. I remember seeing, upon marriages, “parcels” being exchanged. The bride is often given a book along those lines “the ideal muslim wife” etc. I want to burn them.

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  2. Anne

    First of all, the user name? Totally creepy, pretentious, and doesn’t make much sense (does it mean he’s a king in this world but still a slave to ALLAH?) Is his real name Malik Abdullah and he just translated it into English? And why the heck is “king” capitalized? (ALLAH I understand being capitalized; I usually capitalize it myself).

    Ugh, that picture of the little girl in the hijab. I don’t think I can count how many times I’ve seen that, usually paired with things like “Hijab: A Real Woman’s Beauty” or “Precious Pearls” or something equally nauseating. I mean, the girl is cute and everything, Masha’Allah, but it always just rubs me the wrong way when I see pictures of babies in hijab.

    I absolutely hate seeing lists of what an “ideal Muslim wife” should be like. At the very least the writers of this could call it an “ideal Muslim spouse” list, because all of these things that they talk about should apply to both the husband and wife. There’s an entire book out there about what an “ideal Muslimah” should be like, and I cringe every time I read it. If they just had a book that instructed people on what an “ideal Muslim”, regardless of gender, should be like, I feel like that would be much more palatable.

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  3. Anne summarized what I wanted to say.
    Also:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH

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  4. Keji

    So when I first read this article (*cough* propaganda) I did the following things:

    1. Laughed until I couldn’t breath (Really someone “wrote this”?).
    2. Threw up in my mouth a little (All the thank you’s for a great article turned my stomach).
    3. Shook my head in astonishment/ sadness (Do men.and women really think like this)
    4. Then hit my pillow in anger (Oh hell naw. Patriarchy can kiss my a***. As long as I am not disobeying Allah I’m going to go out of my way not to be playful and shy).
    5. Laughed even harder.

    Thank you Nahida for your rebuttal on this nonsense.

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  5. Yes @kaybee29, I was given the Ideal Muslimah for my wedding!

    And absolutely, there are some men who should really restrain from speaking. I’m one of those harlots who get all hot n’ bothered by a pious sexy voice. (I tell you, that’s how the Hubby got me — with a recording of him giving the adhaan! The cheek!)

    sigh, I will never be that kind of ideal muslimah. Love this post.

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  6. I adore this post!

    As if you could come up with one ideal wife for everyone. If I got married to a woman, I’d want one snarky and intelligent, who stood up for herself and challenged me to grow– traits way more important than her cooking ability. And I’d want the same if I married a man.

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  7. Hahahaha! This was great, Nahida! If I were an ideal Muslim man, I would totally ask you to marry me. I was kind of depressed after reading the original article. But this cheered me up again.

    Your irreverent humour is the perfect weapon against misogynistic theocrats. Keep up the good work!

    Like

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