I make excuses for people who have wronged or aggrieved me, even when I don’t want to. I can make more excuses for someone in my mind than they can ever make for themselves. If they persist to commit a similar infraction repeatedly, I will truly come up with some elaborate justification pertaining to their individualized manifestation of affection and constancy to excuse them. Even if I don’t entirely believe it, I will assure myself it is only a natural and practical compromise. I don’t know why I compel myself to do this, even though it’s painful. I understand it may be an application of compassion, but I wish it didn’t feel like I’m running my own heart over a shredder.
How do I know it is a practice of compassion anyway? What if it is cowardice? What if it is entirely selfish, and I am only afraid that if I can’t divulge mercy and sympathy or transform aversion to kindness and love I will turn into a terrible, vile person? What if it is not a practice of compassion, but merely a defense mechanism—established to preserve a fraction of goodness in my soul so that I may continue to withstand myself? What if I am selectively forgiving, and therefore unjust? While we are afforded the luxury of choosing to love some over others on a personal level, what if this level affects the course of justice in universal transpiration, regardless of how private or intimate? Or is it utterly and absolutely arrogant to suppose my mercy could render such an effect?
Sometimes I wonder if I am capable of sincere love, and the thought frightens me.
5 thoughts on “Something that frustrates me about myself”
To me, being a muslim is equivalent to always trying to be the “bigger” person. I guess that’s just how I rationalize my actions, or lack thereof.
Acknowledging your “shortcomings” is part of being a self aware and therefore more compassionate human being. The fact that you struggle means that you probably do have the capacity for “your mercy to render such an effect” and isn’t arrogant at all.
I’m all down with the idea of understanding people to the point of empathy (I think disapproving without empathy coming first is self indulgent and unjust), so I guess the next extension of that is to apply your mercy to yourself? This includes understanding your good motivations and your bad ones, and having compassion for all of them.
Do you believe you are not worthy of other people being held accountable to you? I remember someone asking me once what my “core beliefs” were, and I had no idea. I sat for three days and pondered it. If you could take this conversation with yourself a bit deeper, where would it take you? What are the thoughts, and the emotions that you have when you “excuse” someone for violating your boundaries?
I think it’s more like I believe that if I don’t forgive them, I will thwart some wonderful part of them that has the potential to emerge, pristine and noble and strong, of which perhaps they weren’t even aware, and the universe will be robbed of such a beautiful revelation gracing existence and Eternity.