You’re wrong: The Eating Mermaids Edition… and Something About Parrots

Oh my God. Oh my God. These people think mermaids are halaal!:

Al-Durayr – a Maaliki scholar – said in al-Sharh al-Sagheer (2/182): Sea animals in general are permissible, whether it is dead meat or a ‘dog’ (shark) or a ‘pig’ (dolphin), and they do not need to be slaughtered properly. End quote.
Al-Saawi said in his commentary on that: The words “or a ‘dog’ or a ‘pig’ also include a ‘human’, referring thereby to mermaids. End quote. (source)


Also, how the hell do you jump from seadogs and seapigs being permissible to… seahumans?! Anyone who would ever eat a mermaid EVER is excommunicated from my blog.

This is not funny, people. Stop snickering! I am shocked and horrified.


It seems that it is not prescribed to return the greeting of a parrot which has learnt how to say salaams, because saying salaam is an act of worship and a supplication which requires intention on the part of the one who said it, and there is no such intention on the part of this trained creature. So one should not return its greeting. The ruling is the same as that on a tape on which the greeting is recorded and can be heard. (source)

Comparing parrots to tape recorders?! THIS IS MADNESS!

Yeah well EFFF YEWW! I will say salaam to a parrot, and I will enjoy it! What a darling bird! Anyone who is greeted with salaams by a living creature is obligated to return it!

In conclusion: You may not eat a mermaid, and you must say salaam to parrots.

*end of fatwa*

(Credit: I got the fatwa links from woodturtle.)

You’re a monster. She is petting the fish.

49 thoughts on “You’re wrong: The Eating Mermaids Edition… and Something About Parrots

  1. I think everyone was laughing so hard (including you, Nahida, I can see you laughing out loud while typing this post :P) that you ALL overlooked the typo in the title. MERMAIDS*. Shame.Also, I hear they're quite tasty. I don't see the commotion.


  2. As it isn't permissible to capture any kind of animal inhumanely or through deceit, the authenticity of the scholars' conclusions are already highly questionable. They have discredited themselves in their argument.


  3. …Wait wait are we actually discussing this?!I'm more offended they compared dolphins to pigs! I mean, kind of… but still!Cannibalism is absolutely haraam! And wastefulness is haraam! And–and–THIS IS NOT UP FOR DEBATE! X_X


  4. I think it really depends on whether they give birth to live young or lay eggs. If they lay eggs, it's completely like a fish on the lower half, but if they give live birth then the reproductive tract might be more human than fish so you're still eating human parts.Besides, mermaids are usually carnivorous. The proof is in my pair of shorts with skull-faced mermaids swimming across grey waters. Very threatening.


  5. ….Incidentally did you know I was once accused of being "racist toward elves" because I think they're an overused, uninteresting cliche? And this resulted in me being banned from a game? For being racist. Towards elves.


  6. This probably explains the bananas too. Seaweed and other vegetables are just fine, but if you leave bananas in Nahida's tank overnight it all turns into a filmy, gunky mess.


  7. I KNEW IT!! THE HAIR GAVE IT AWAY!And really Flint! First the elves, now the mermaids? pfft. Next you'll be insulting all the centaurs by suggesting they're related to horses or something.


  8. OMG I don't SEE species okay? Now you're yelling at me for something I haven't even done yet–ps, there's nothing wrong with eating delicious delicious mermaid.And I'm assuming you have a tank in your room as most wifi places don't allow mermaids (no shirt, no legs, no service) so how else are you getting online at night?


  9. I had a parrot when I was a kid. I taught him a few choice words for entertainment. He was smart and learned them very quickly. He was also very loud. He started using the said words with great enthusiasm. Somewhere along the line he learned my name. My family thinks it happened because everyone kept yelling at me. Frankly I have never understood the reasons behind the yelling. Anyway, every choice word he said was followed by my name. It was horrible!In retaliation I fed him a pink crayon. Nothing bad happened to him after eating the crayon other than a pink bowel movement. I was made to clean the pink bowel movement. He continued to be loud.I do not trust parrots.


  10. Have any of you seen the mermaids go on a killing frenzy in the latest Pirates of the Carribean? good luck trying to catch and eat one of those vampire seahumans…*shudder* all teeth and fast as a whip.


  11. If a parrot ever said salaam to me, I would totes say salaam back. Shoot, whenever I see animals I say salaam to them (e.g. walking down the sidewalk I see a squirrel: "Assalaamu alaikum squirrel!")Yes, I actually do this.


  12. Julian Morrison

    Unfortunately it’s pointless to pet fish, since they don’t have snuggle instincts like mammals, and won’t enjoy it. Instead, feed them, but not too much. That aside, I propose a general rule “don’t eat people”. To anyone who asks “what are people”, the answer is “people are people, you idiot”. Are mermaids people? Well, obviously.


  13. lo

    This is the best comment:
    ‘If cannibalism is haraam, how can mermaids be halaal? Is only the fish part halaal? Because that is so wasteful.’



  14. akye

    Then again, how sure are you that’s how mermaids look like? Have you seen one? In reference to Al-Saawi commentary, Islam refers to fishes which resembles human. Therefore it is still a fish. But with all this wild imaginations of how mermaids look like, how can you judge a religion when you’re not even sure yourself? May god bless you.



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