A Disappointing Day for America

Alas, the United States government has declared that mermaids do not exist, as TIME magazine writes maliciously in an article, “Sorry, Ariel, looks like you’ll never be part of our world.” It continues,

The U.S. National Ocean Service (NOS) made the firm announcement that mermaids do not exist. This announcement came in response to public inquiries into the NOS’ mermaid science program after a show about mythical creatures on the channel Animal Planet.

“No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found,” the NOS’s press release read, dispelling any rumors that “those half-human, half-fish sirens of the sea” are anything more than legend […].

What is it with the US government unceasingly attacking my religious beliefs?! Obviously mermaids exist, or we would not be allowed to eat them.

You’re wrong: The Eating Mermaids Edition… and Something About Parrots

Oh my God. Oh my God. These people think mermaids are halaal!:

Al-Durayr – a Maaliki scholar – said in al-Sharh al-Sagheer (2/182): Sea animals in general are permissible, whether it is dead meat or a ‘dog’ (shark) or a ‘pig’ (dolphin), and they do not need to be slaughtered properly. End quote.
Al-Saawi said in his commentary on that: The words “or a ‘dog’ or a ‘pig’ also include a ‘human’, referring thereby to mermaids. End quote. (source)

CANNIBALS!!

Also, how the hell do you jump from seadogs and seapigs being permissible to… seahumans?! Anyone who would ever eat a mermaid EVER is excommunicated from my blog.

This is not funny, people. Stop snickering! I am shocked and horrified.

Also,

It seems that it is not prescribed to return the greeting of a parrot which has learnt how to say salaams, because saying salaam is an act of worship and a supplication which requires intention on the part of the one who said it, and there is no such intention on the part of this trained creature. So one should not return its greeting. The ruling is the same as that on a tape on which the greeting is recorded and can be heard. (source)

Comparing parrots to tape recorders?! THIS IS MADNESS!

Yeah well EFFF YEWW! I will say salaam to a parrot, and I will enjoy it! What a darling bird! Anyone who is greeted with salaams by a living creature is obligated to return it!

In conclusion: You may not eat a mermaid, and you must say salaam to parrots.

*end of fatwa*

(Credit: I got the fatwa links from woodturtle.)

HOW CAN YOU EAT THAT.
You’re a monster. She is petting the fish.